Everything I Once Had
by sam0587
Summary: The story of Mark and Addison before Seattle through Mark's point of view. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed!
1. Chapter 1

**Everything I Once Had (Get it Faster)**

"Hey Derek where are you?"

"Well are you going home tonight?"

"Yeah she's waiting for you. She called me like three times already asking if I had seen you around."

"Hey, hey don't kill the messenger man."

"We're all busy Derek but you haven't seen your wife in a week."

"Ok, I am sorry I'll back off. I just think you…"

"Ok, fine. Well are you still on for that consult tomorrow afternoon?"

"Ok good. Derek can you just call her at…"

"Fine ok. Yeah buddy see you later."

That was how most of his conversations with his best friend had gone in the past few months. Since college, Mark, Derek and Addison had been together more than is probably normal for three people. Then Derek and Addison got married and not much changed. He didn't lose his best friend like he had secretly been afraid he would, with doing their internships at the same hospital, they were still together most of the time. Then when they all got their fellowship grants, things started to change. They were all busy, but Derek became so driven that Mark hardly recognized him anymore.

And, there was the big fight. The big fight that Mark was sure would be the end of Derek and Addison. Derek applied for a position in a hospital half an hour from where Addison worked. Before that, the only time they saw each other anymore was the hospital, and Derek taking away that precious time really hit Addison hard. Since then, Mark had been there to pick up the pieces every time Derek let her down. He would go over and they would eat old Chinese food, and he would let her talk or cry, and complain about Derek. Tonight was just one of those nights. He put on a fake smile, hoping it would translate over the phone, and dialed Addison's number.

"Hey Addi."

"Mark, hi did you get a hold of Derek?" 

"Yeah Addi, I just talked to him."

"Really? I have been trying to get him for the past hour."

"Yeah he said he just got out of surgery." He cringed, hoping she wouldn't pick up on the blatant lie.

She could tell he was lying, again, but she smiled anyway. Mark was only trying to help. "Oh well ok. What did he say?" She asked, even though she already knew the answer.

"He's not gonna make it tonight Addison. He has to stay on for a special case they're flying in from Mass General."

"Oh, well ok. It's good that they're really starting to bring him in on the high profile cases. He must be really pleased about that."

"Yeah he sounded excited."

"Well you know, I have a lot to catch up on anyway, I guess I'll just stay at the hospital."

"Aw come on Addi, you can't let a guy down like that. What I am gonna eat if not week old Chinese food?"

"Oh, no its ok really. You have a date tonight Mark, with… Lisa right?"

"Something better came up."

"Mark."

"Come on Addison. You know there is no way I am letting you sleep in some cold stuffy hospital and eat crappy cafeteria food just cause you don't want to go home to your empty house."

She sighed and rolled her eyes. Mark was right, he was always right. These days she felt like he knew he better than her own husband did. "Fine, but you better reschedule that date for tomorrow. I'll be on call anyway so it doesn't matter what Derek does."

He smiled. "It's a deal. I'll see you at 8. Wear something sexy." 

She laughed. "Mark Sloan! You just can't help yourself can you?"

"Nope. See you Addi." He smiled and hung up the phone. He couldn't remember when he had blatantly started flirting with her like that. He guessed it was sometime back in College. It had never really bothered Derek, so he never really thought about it. It's not like he ever even thought about acting on it, Derek was like his brother after all.


	2. Chapter 2

The doorbell rang at exactly 8:00 and Addison ran out from the kitchen in her pajama pants and Derek's baggy NYU sweatshirt. She opened the door and Mark was standing on the other side holding a big bag of food, looking dashing as always in a dark blue button down shirt and his black leather jacket. He walked in closing the door behind him, and kissed her on the cheek. "Seriously Addison, that's hot, and you wonder why I keep coming back for more?"

"You know the only reason I let you is because I know you will bring food?"

"Well what choice do I have? If I left it up to you we would always eat that crap from Hong Kong Kitchen, because you can go 5 minutes down the street to get the good food from Ocean Garden.

She laughed and put the food on the counter. "Get in here and give me your jacket." She hung his jacket up in the closet and walked back out into the kitchen where he was already putting food onto plates. "So what did you tell Linda?"

"Lisa?"

"Whatever. What did you tell her?"

"That I had to stay late at the hospital. I am a doctor, it works for everything."

"Now you sound like Derek. Hey you don't think he's…"

"No."

"Cause I mean… where I don't work with him anymore I don't know if he actually is at the hospital."

"Addison come on he's a workaholic."

"Well what if there is someone at work? What if he's just staying to screw some intern in an on call room?"

"Addison, this is Derek we're talking about. He wouldn't do that."

She sighed and poured them both some wine. "I know. I just… I feel like I hardly know him anymore half the time. You know we had talked about having kids before he got this new job? I wasn't ready then… but imagine if we had? He would never see them. Why did he even want to talk about it?"

"I am sure he would have made the time Addi, he grew up in a big family he loves kids."

"Well then why can't he make the time now? Why can't he make the time for his wife? You have time…"

"His Job is demanding. I work in a private practice, we're only open so many hours in a day. He's on 24/7 in a city hospital."

"I know, I just… don't understand him sometimes. I haven't even seen him in a week. We were suppose to go up to the Hamptons with Weiss and Savvy in two weeks and he already canceled that."

"Well you know Derek has always hated the Hamptons Addi… and who can blame him. You wonder why I never go with you guys?"

"I know. And I don't even care about the Hamptons… I just miss him, Mark. I just wanted to get to spend some time with him, away from the city, away from the hospital. We were gonna leave our pagers at home and just go. You know, we had plans."

"He'll come around. This is a busy time for all of us. Once he gets his position as an attending he'll have more flexibility with his schedule. You guys will get through this, you're Derek and Addison. You fought more than anyone I have ever seen in college and still ended up together. He loves you, I have never doubted that."

"Really? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like he just married me cause he thoughts that what he was suppose to do."

"Addi, I have known Derek my whole life. He has never done anything just because he was suppose to. Derek does what he wants, for better or worse, he has his own mind about things. He married you because he wants to spend his life with you."

"Mark, how do you always know what to say?"

"Its just a gift. It can't be learned I am afraid."

"Well maybe I should have married you."

Mark laughed. "Get in line."

"Seriously though, are you ever gonna have a real relationship Mark?"

"What and have someone like you waiting at home bitching about me working too much? Besides who would keep you well fed?"

"I can feed myself Mark, we need to find you a woman."

"I can find plenty of women, thank you very much."

"Yeah no kidding, that's your problem."

"So I like variety, what's wrong with that?"

"Its not so much the variety Mark, but the quantity. We're not in college anymore Mark. Do you even want to get married, ever?"

"If I find the right person. I just…. Derek has so much. He has this great family, he has had you since the day you two met. I remember that first night of undergrad he couldn't stop talking about this girl he met. I have never found that."

Addison frowned a little. She had always seen how Mark looked up to Derek, but she had never heard him talk about it like that. He never let on that he was jealous of what Derek had in his life. "You'll find that Mark, you're a great guy. Once you're ready to settle down you'll find someone."

"Yeah, as long as I don't run out of women in New York. I'll have to move to….Chicago… or Seattle. I could move to Seattle."

"Why on earth would you ever move to Seattle, you hate the rain."

"Yeah you're right, Chicago it is."

They sat and finished their food, and Addison brought the dishes out to the kitchen. Mark followed her out and poured them both another glass of wine. "So did Derek say when he would be coming home?"

"I don't know Mark you're the one that talked to him, what did he say to you?"

"He never called you?"

"No, why call your wife when you can just use a messenger?"

"He should have called you."

"What, did you tell him to?"

"Well… no… I just…" 

"Its ok Mark. Thanks for trying."

"He just gets so wrapped up in his work you know?"

"I know. You know in college he use to call me and leave messages saying he just called to hear my answering machine?"

"Yeah I know, didn't you ever hear me laughing in the background?"

"No." She laughed, and smiled. "I guess I was just too busy listening to him. What happened to that Derek?"

"He's still there. Just give him some time Addi, give him some time to adjust."

"How much more time does he need Mark? I have given him time. I just, I didn't get married to sleep alone every night."

"He'll come around, don't worry."

She nodded sadly and drank the rest of her wine. "Yeah. Well, thanks for coming over here Mark. It means a lot to me."

"Aw you're kicking me out already?"

"I have to be at the hospital tomorrow morning anyway. I am just gonna go to bed."

"Alright."

Addison walks over to the coat closet and gets Mark's jacket. He throws it over his shoulder and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek. "Now you just let me know if you need anything ok?"

"Sure thing dad. And you go on that date tomorrow ok? And you be nice to her. And apologize for canceling."

"Any more rules for me?"

"No glove, no love?"

He laughs and opens the door. "Ok I am leaving now. Goodnight Addi."

"Goodnight Mark, and thanks again."

He winks at her, with just a hint of the McSteamy face. "Anytime." He closes the door behind him and pauses to breathe in the crisp fall air. Addison didn't need to know that there was no date. In fact, he hadn't been on a real date in many months. Not to say he hadn't been with a few women in between, but these days most of his time was spent keeping his best friends wife, company. He erased that thought from his mind, and walked to his car in higher spirits than when he arrived.


	3. Chapter 3

Mark sat in his office eating an apple and waiting for Derek to get there for a consult he was doing for him. The patient had a spinal deformity and needed a neurologist as well as a plastic surgeon, and Mark had recommended Derek to his boss who owned the private practice that Mark worked for. He knew he would be there, Derek was never late for surgery, but he was hoping he would get there a little early so that he could talk to him about Addison. He knew it wasn't his place, but he also knew Addison was reaching the end of her rope. He threw his apple in the trash, and heard a knock on the door. "Come in."

The door opened and Derek walked in. "Hey Mark I hope I am not running late."

"Not at all, you're a little early actually."

"Oh, great. Man I am exhausted, do you have an coffee in here?"

"Yeah over there on the table, help yourself."

"Thanks." Derek walked over and poured himself a cup before sitting down across from Mark. "So how is this case looking?"

"Actually, we have a little while before we have to start talking work. I wanna talk to you about something else first."

"Sure, what's up Mark? Are my sisters calling you again? You can just hang up you know, they'll never get the point unless you just start ignoring them… And don't even get me started with my mother, do you remember when I was 12 she sent the police out looking for me cause I wasn't home exactly at 10…"

"No Derek, stop, its not your crazy family. Its your wife."

"What about Addi, is she ok?"

"No Derek she's not ok, she's miserable and lonely."

"Oh come on Mark, we're both busy working adults. Did she put you up to this?"

"No Derek she asked me not to talk to you about it. She just doesn't know what to do anymore and I don't know how much longer she is gonna stick around hoping for you to come home."

"You think she would cheat on me?"

"No I just think she misses you and she doesn't know what she did to make you ignore her like this."

"I am not ignoring her I just… well I just told you the other day that they have me on some high profile cases right now I cant just walk away from that."

"Yeah you told me Derek, have you even talked to her in the past few days? You didn't call her last night to tell her you wouldn't be home, I had to tell her."

"You saw her last night?"

"Yeah I just brought her some dinner. You know how she gets when there's no one around."

"Yeah she buys that crappy Chinese food from Hong Kong Kitchen. So wait, you went over to bring my wife dinner rather than going out to O'Rilleys to pick up single nurses?"

"Yeah, what are you implying Derek?"

"No no, nothing like that., just… well thank you."

"You're welcome. But she needs _you_, not me."

Derek sighed and sat back in his chair, running his hands through his hair. "I know. This will get better though right? I cant be this busy forever. Things will be better once these few cases are finished."

"Then why did you cancel the trip you guys had planned to the hamptons?"

"I just didn't think it was a good time for me to be going away for the weekend. I can't just take off like that right now. She understands that."

"She does understand but it doesn't mean it hurts her any less."

"Well what am I suppose to do? Just give up what I have been working towards for 17 years? I have a real shot here to be great, I am working with one of the top neuro surgeons in the country, it's not the time to be taking a weekend off."

"You don't need a teacher anymore Derek you know that. You're the best attending they have at that hospital; you could start your own practice. Set your own schedule. Put at least half the time into your marriage as you do your career."

Derek sat there silently thinking for a moment. Mark waited for him to either say something or leave. "You really think I could open my own practice?"

"Yeah, I do. You have a great reputation Derek. You can't move forward at the hospital anymore. Dr. McCarthy has been the head of neuro there forever, there's no way you'll get his job. You need to go out on your own Derek. Make a name for yourself. Before you know it they'll be begging you to come back and take over for McCarthy."

Derek nodded. "Thanks Mark, I'll think about it."

"Good. Ok, now lets talk Medicine." Mark grinned and pulled a file out of his desk. "Wait till you see this guy."

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	4. Chapter 4

"So are you up for going to get a couple drinks? Addison said she wouldn't be home tonight anyway and I don't have to go back to the hospital."

"Yeah sure that sounds good, let me just get my stuff from my office."

Mark and Derek walked across the street to O'Reiley's bar across from the practice Mark worked at, and sat down. They ordered their scotches and drank quietly looking around the bar.

"So has Nancy been on your case about thanksgiving yet?"

"No I haven't talked to her for a while. Why? When were you talking to Nancy?"

Mark shifted uncomfortably. "Oh I just saw her a little while ago, she was asking if we were all gonna be there this year."

"Oh well I don't know. I guess it will depend on how things are going with work."

"Yeah that's what I told her."

They returned back to their comfortable silence until Derek's phone started ringing.

"Hello?"

"Oh hey Addi."

"No I am out with Mark."

"Well you told me you wouldn't be home tonight."

"Well how the hell am I suppose to know that Addison?"

"I am all the way across town it will be at least 45 minutes before I get there anyway."

"Yeah I have to be back at 5 tomorrow morning."

"Addison…"

"I am sorry but this isn't my fault!"

"Well we could still…"

"Fine just go back to the hospital. I'll see you Saturday."

"Yeah, bye." Derek snapped his phone shut and let out a frustrated sigh. "Damnit."

"What was that all about?"

"She was waiting at home for me. I had told her I would be home after I did the consult here but she said she had to be at work. Instead she decided to surprise me and get out of work for a few hours."

"Ah… you guys really need to work on those communication skills."

"Not the time Mark."

"Sorry. Well… why are you still here now?"

"She has to leave for the hospital again in a couple hours anyway."

"Again, I say what are you still doing here? God man, go home and see your wife. And hour is plenty of time..."

"She's pissed now, if I go home we'll just fight."

"Well then go home and fight, she just wants to see you Derek."

"Just leave it Mark… We can work this out on our own."

"Fine. I am just saying, she misses you."

"Well then she could have just called me and said 'hey Derek I am getting out of work for a while, are you still coming home?' Why the hell is everyone blaming this on me? She can't be pissed at me for this."

"She's trying Derek. She's just trying to make this life you guys have work."

"Fine, you know what, I'll go home. I'll See you tomorrow Mark."

"Derek."

"No you're right, I should go home and talk to her. I'll see you later." With that, Derek picked up his phone off the table and walked out the door. Mark just shook his head and looked around the bar, thinking he might as well make the most of this night. He got up and sat down at the bar, next to a couple of girls doing tequila shots.

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	5. Chapter 5

It had been four days since Mark and Derek had been at the bar, and Derek had left in a huff after Addison's phone call. Mark had not heard from either of them since that, so he was not too surprised when the caller ID on his phone started flashing "Addison".

"Hey babe."

"Hey Mark, how are you?"

"Getting by, what's up?"

"Can you meet me for lunch today?"

"Sure, is everything ok?"

"I just miss you, I haven't seen you for a while."

"Well I am honored. Where do you want to meet?"

"How about Jakes Diner across from the hospital?"

"Sure, around 12?"

"Sounds good. Thanks Mark, I'll see you then."

Mark hung up his phone and smiled to himself. "Tracy!" He called out to his secretary.

"Yes Dr. Sloan?" She appeared at his door in a short skirt and revealing black top.

"Cancel my 11:00, I need to go home and get some clean cloths."

"Yes Dr. Sloan. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

He handed her a 10 dollar bill. "Large bone dry cappuccino and a blueberry muffin."

She rolled her eyes and took the money. "Yes sir."

"I saw that!"

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Mark showed up at the diner at 12:00 in a crisp light blue shirt and slightly faded jeans. He had shaved so that he just had a little stubble where his beard had grown before. He sat down at the table and waited for Addison to show up. When she walked in the door he was shocked. She did not walk with her usual strut, her hair was lazily pulled back and she was wearing jeans and a t-shirt under her rain coat. He eyes lacked the usual sparkle that he had longed to see. He stood up as she walked over and pulled her into a comfortable hug. When he let go they sat down and she started sipping the coffee that he had ordered for her.

"So what happened the other night?"

"It went great Mark, he came home and we had the perfect romantic evening that I had planned."

"Sarcasm, I like that in a girl."

"I aim to please."

"Well we can get to that later, but for now why don't you tell me what happened?"

"We fought, we fought like we always fight. I yelled at him for not being there, he yelled at me for trying to hold him back and not letting him put everything into his work. He stormed out and I haven't seen or talked to him since."

"You haven't talked to him in four days? Addi…"

"Don't Mark, just…. don't. I don't need a lecture from you…"

"No lecture…"

"Well I don't need your sympathy. I just wanted to have lunch with you and forget about what we're going through right now."

"Well how are you doing, I mean forget Derek, How is work and everything?"

"Its good, the mom I was telling you about with the triplets is due any day now. Two of them look ok but the third one is going to be more of a challenge."

"You can handle it. I have faith in you."

She smiled and played with her coffee cup. "Thanks Mark, its nice to hear. You know Derek is just so busy with his own work…"

"He should still ask."

"He use to ask. He use to be the kind of guy that would call to make sure I got home from work ok."

"He's still that guy Addi, he's just got a lot to focus on right now… he'll come around."

"I know. And I know he's not doing this on purpose, I just miss my husband." She smiled at Mark. "You're there for me more lately than he is."

"Well what can I say, you're not bad company."

"That's all it takes ha?"

"I am a simple guy."

"I hear you hired another new secretary." She said, rolling her eyes. "What percent plastic is this one?"

"100 natural as far as I can tell, and I am somewhat of an expert."

"I don't doubt that, I just doubt Barbie's ability to tell the difference between a scalpel and a meat cleaver."

"Well the girl isn't performing surgery Addison." He grinned wickedly. "The only things she needs to perform she is perfectly capable of."

Addison sighed. " I just think you deserve more, Mark. You deserve someone who appreciates who you really are. The sweet caring Mark that I know."

"You deserve more too."

"This is what I am talking about."

"I am serious Addison."

"We're not talking about me."

"Well maybe we should be."

"Mark…."

"Addison!" He sighed, and composed himself. This was not the direction he had expected this conversation to take. "You deserve to be happy, that's all I am saying. You need to tell him that this is not good for you."

"You don't think I have? You don't think I have done everything I can to try and get his attention. He's not listening Mark, he doesn't even hear me talking!"

"I don't know…" He reached for her hand on the table. She looked into his eyes and saw a softness that no one else ever saw. Suddenly it terrified her, maybe because this was a different look, or maybe because of the way his thumb was stroking the back of her hand. She pulled her hand away and picked up her menu. "We should order some food."

"I am sorry Addi…"

"Don't Mark…. Just don't."

"Ok." Mark picked up his menu and they continued the rest of their lunch in idle conversation about friends and family, carefully avoiding any talk of Derek.

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	6. Chapter 6

A couple months later Derek and Mark have both left their jobs and are working together in opening their own joint practice in the city. They have the building and are busy working with lawyers and insurance companies, pouring over job applications for nurses, secretaries, and a few interns. Its about 7:00 Saturday night when Mark looks at the clock.

"Hey we should get going, remember Addi called about dinner tonight with Jake and Julie."

"Oh yeah sure, you go ahead tell her I should be along in a little bit."

"Ok, but you're coming right? You remember what today is?"

"Yeah, yeah its Saturday I know, dinner at 7:30 I'll just be another minute."

"Ok, see you there." Mark just shook his head. He had crossed the line a few too many times before in trying to interfere with Derek and Addison's relationship, he was just trying to help, but Derek had told him to stay out of it, so he did. He got in his car and headed to the restaurant.

When he got there he spotted the table with Addison, John, Julie and a few other friends of theirs. He walked up behind Addison and leaned down to kiss her cheek. "Hey there beautiful."

"Hey Mark, isn't Derek with you?"

"No he had to finish something up, but he said he would be right along. Don't worry he'll be here."

"Right."

Mark didn't look at Addison, but he knew that she could tell by him not responding that she was right.

"We've been busy Addi, we have a lot of work to do if we want to get this place open."

"You're here."

"Yeah well we all know if it was up to me alone to get the place running…."

Addison look at him and laughed. "Yeah, like that would ever happen. Derek knows you better than that."

"He's doing this for you Addi. Once everything is all set, he'll have more time, he'll be closer to home. He'll be able to make his own schedule."

"I know. I just…." Addison was interrupted by her cell phone ringing in her bag. "Just a minute…. Hello?... yeah… But Derek!... yeah I understand…I love you… bye." Addison sighed and hung up her phone.

"He's not coming?"

"The lawyers office called, something about a liability problem with the insurance company. He had to go over and talk to them. He said he would be home later tonight."

Everyone at the table had stopped to watch Addison and Mark could tell that she was about to lose it. He quickly stood up and held out his hand to her. "Come on, dance with me."

"Mark I am really not…"

"Come on, one dance, it's a slow song, and I promise I'll try not to step on your feet." He smiled as Addison rolled her eyes and took his hand.

"Fine, one dance."

He took her arm in his and led her over to the dance floor where a few couples were dancing quietly. He slipped his arms comfortably around her waist as she buried her head into his shoulder while he led her quietly around the dance floor.

**When winter comes **

**Along these shores **

**Old Hollywood **

**We're knocking down **

**We're sifting through **

**We are the actual tigers **

**When winter comes **

**They leave behind us **

"I tried Addison, I tried to remind him about tonight. I have been trying to hard for the past few months to help you two."

"That's not your responsibility Mark. You shouldn't have to do that."

"But this is his responsibility! Damn it Addison, why do you keep letting him get away with this?"

"What else do you want me to do Mark? He's my husband, I love him. I have to believe this will get better, it's all I can do."

"You deserve better."

**Throw your arms around my neck **

**And hold me tightly **

**There's a lot that we will get **

**I'm asking you... **

**Let your diamond bracelet fall **

**Over the ice age **

**Over the ice age**

Addison didn't respond except for wrapping her arms tighter around his neck while he held her closer, leaving no room between them. He tried to focus on other things around the room. The kitchen door that kept opening and closing, the man at the table in the corner who was proposing to his girlfriend. But all he could focus on was the looks he was getting from their friends waiting back at the table, and the way Addison's hands felt gently tracing lines across the back of his neck, and the way he could feet her heart beating just as fast as his.

Those summer years

We'd follow them

In light of day

In light of us

We'll see it through

When they're playing our song

Those summer years

Have long since gone

"Addison…"

"What?"

"Do you remember in freshman year of med school, when it was the week before finals…"

"And you had the flu?"

"Yeah, and you brought me soup…"

"And read your notes to you to help you study." She laughed, gently rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah…"

"What about it?"

"I think I have known since then."

Addison tensed up and tried to find her voice again. "Known what?"

"That I should have fought harder for you when I had the chance."

"Mark…"

"I mean you and Derek had already been together for 2 and a half years then… It was just…. I was too late."

**Throw your arms around my neck **

**And whisper softly **

**Of a thing that we will get **

**I'm asking you **

**Let your diamond bracelet fall **

**Over the ice age **

**Over the ice age**

By now Mark could feel Addison's tear stained cheek on his neck. He rubbed one hand up and down her back to try and calm her, but the truth was he was panicking a little himself. He hadn't planned on telling her that tonight, he hadn't planned on telling her that _ever_ for that matter. But he did, and it was out there now, and he didn't know what to do. So he just kept dancing, and holding her. He nearly tripped over his own feet when he felt her lips gently graze against his neck, and linger there long enough to let him know it was no accident. He exhaled quickly after a minute when he realized he had been holding his breath. He felt her shiver from his breath that escaped across her neck.

**I want to go back **

**I want to go back **

**In future times **

**We'll hold it closer **

**Imagining **

**We weren't older **

**Yet, through it all **

**They'll be playing our song **

"He's my best friend Addison, he's my brother."

"I know, I am married to him."

"Then what are we doing? We both know this… we can't"

"Does he still love me like he use to Mark? I am asking cause you see him more than I do."

"I can't answer that Addison, you know I cant. Derek… he's hard to read. We don't talk about that."

"Does he even seem to care when he doesn't come home at night. I mean, when you two are working late… does it even seem to bother him that he never sees his wife?"

"You would have to ask him that Addi… I am just saying… You deserve better."

**Throw your arms around my neck **

**And whisper softly **

**Of a thing that we will get **

**I'm asking you... **

**Let your diamond bracelet fall **

**Over the ice age **

**Over the ice age...**

As the song ended Addison looked up at Mark, looking him in the eyes for the first time. There was such a broken kindness in them, that melted her heart every time. "Thanks for the dance Mark."

He kissed her gently on the forehead. "Happy Birthday Addison."

When they started to walk back to the table she grabbed his arm and stopped him. "I came here with Savvy."

"Ok."

"After dinner, I'll tell her that your going back to the office to check with Derek and I am going with you."

"But Derek is at the lawyers…"

"I Know that…."

Mark started to shake his head "Addison I…"

"Mark you can either drop me off at home or we can go talk at your place. Its up to you."

Mark stood frozen in place as he watched Addison walk back over to the table, and sit down and whisper something to Savvy.

"Goodnight Savvy. Thanks for coming Jake. See you tomorrow Jules."

Mark watched her intently from his seat at the table as she said her goodbyes to everyone else. The rest of the dinner had passed normally enough. Savvy had given him a few warning glances, but he knew she wasn't about to say anything to Derek; she was Addison's friend. As the guests filed out of the restaurant he kept his eyes glued on Addison, even though she still had her back stubbornly turned to him. "Addison…"

He watched as she slowly turned around. Avoiding his eyes, staring absently at the plates that were left sitting on the table. She nervously twirled her hair in her fingers. Before she could take another step closer Mark took her jacket from her chair and walked over to her. He wrapped her coat around her shoulders and led her out of the restaurant to his car. He opened the door and ushered her in. The silence was so thick that they both jumped a little as the radio blasted when Mark started the car. They both laughed a little uncomfortably, and he pulled out of the parking lot.

The drive was uncomfortable because not only did Addison not know where Mark was taking her, but neither did Mark. He would pass Addison's house on the way to his, so he had until the last second to decide, and he figured that was about how long it would take him. Addison's house. Addison and Derek's house. Derek. Derek had been his best friend since he gave him half his tuna sandwich in 1st grade because Mark's mom forgot to pack him his lunch. Derek was his family. But Addison, Addison was the love of his life. He knew it. He had known it for a long time. He had been ignoring it for years, through break ups and reunions, weddings and anniversaries. He had ignored it, and told himself that he wasn't cut out for commitment. He was gonna be a happy bachelor for the rest of his life, married to his job, and meeting some fun women along the way.

But every time he looked at Addison everything changed. He wanted things with her. He wanted to be that happily married man, that as a child, he didn't even know existed. His parents were always bickering and his father was never happy, when he was 12 he came home after school and caught his father with another woman. And his other family, Derek's family, they were happy, but his father was dead long before he met him. Mark didn't know what a happily married couple was supposed to look like. Hell he thought Addison and Derek would be happy, but look at them now.

It was about this time in his thought process that Mark realized they had traveled the whole ride in silence and they were almost at Addison's house. He saw the house up ahead. He didn't look to see if the lights were on or if Derek's car was in the driveway. He just kept driving, and looked over at Addison. "I need more time to think."

"Ok."

"I am just gonna think. And the we're gonna talk."

"Ok."

Mark slowed down and pulled into his small one car driveway. He turned the car off and got out of the car. He opened Addison's door and led her up the steps. They stepped inside the house, and paused as they heard the noticeable thud of the door closing securely behind them. He turned to her and slipped her coat off her shoulders. Carefully making sure that his thumbs grazed against her soft skin. He hadn't even noticed in the dark restaurant just how stunning she looked in the simple knee length red dress she was wearing. He looked her up and down for a moment, his gaze so intense that she could have felt it had she not been looking too.

He took a step closer and she backed up against the wall. "Addi…" He smiled and cupped her face in his hand as a single tear ran down her cheek. "What does this mean?"

"I just cant do it anymore Mark. I cant live like this. I cant lay in bed every night wondering if my husband is ever gonna come home."

**I should've thought things through. **

**I'm holding out, but not getting an answer. **

**I wanna do right by you. **

**I'm finding out, cheating gets it faster.**

That was all the permission he needed. Mark took another quick step forward so her body was now completely pressed up against the wall by his. His forehead was resting on hers now and she could feel his hot breath only inches away from her lips. He hesitated for only a second before she made the move to close the gap. He quickly deepened the kiss and let his hands roam her body like they had longed to for so long.

Before either of them had a chance for second thoughts he had carried her upstairs to his bedroom, leaving much of their clothing behind. As he laid her down on the bed and removed his boxers, he looked over her lovingly, thinking that maybe this really was his chance at happiness.

**I don't care what you do. **

**I'm getting out, no nothing ever shames me. **

**Don't wanna thing from you. **

**I'm going out, I don't care if you're angry. **

**I should've thought things through. **

**Yeah I'm holding out, but not getting an answer. **

**I wanna do right by you. **

**I'm finding out that cheating gets it faster.**


	7. Chapter 7

SORRY! There was a mistake with chapter 7 the first time I posted it. I accidentally posted chapter 8 with it, and things kind of change in chapter 8… so I am reposting 7 by itself, and then I will be reposting 8 by itself, with a little more explanation. So, here is 7.

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Several hours later Mark and Addison lay quietly wrapped in each other's arms. Neither was saying anything. They were simply enjoying the peaceful comfort that they were feeling. And they knew that once one of them spoke, they would have to face what they had done and that comfort would be shattered. So for now Mark was just laying there, running his hand through her hair and down her back, listening to her breathing, and praying that they could just stay like this. But he knew that was too much to hope for, they had to talk. They had to face the painful side of what they had done. Mark took one final deep breath and broke the silence. "Addison…" He felt her tense up, and take a deep breath.

"I can't talk about it Mark, I cant, not yet."

"Addi…"

"I can't go home Mark. I can't look at my husband, how am I suppose to go home?"

"What does this mean? Are we… are you telling him? What is this?"

"I don't know."

"Addison…"

"Mark I don't know ok. I mean… You… you're suppose to be opening a practice with him. How do you think that's gonna go when he finds out? Ha?"

"I don't know…"

"Ok then."

Mark sighed and kissed the top of her head and she snuggle up closer to him. "I just think we should… wait a while Mark. We cant…. This cant happen again, till we can tell him. Its just not the right time right now."

"Ok, whatever you want."

"It's just… this happened so fast. I just need time to think about how we do this now."

"Ok. We can still be friends though right? I mean, he would think something was up, if all of a sudden we weren't friends anymore."

She smiled, and felt his hand take hold of hers. "Yes Mark, we can still be friends."

Mark sighed and sat up a little to look at her. "I just…"

"What?"

"I guess I just wish this wasn't so complicated. I just want you all to myself now."

She smiled. "Patience never was your strong suit."

He laughed and shook his head. "No, its not. But for you I'll make an exception."

"Pick up lines never were your strong suit either." She giggled.

"Hey, I have some great pick up lines."

Addison shook her head and laughed. "Na its just cause you look like that."

"Oh Yeah?" He laughed and quickly rolled himself over on top of her. "So, when does this, whole 'this cant happen again till we tell him' thing start officially?" He whispered seductively into her ear, his lips making brief contact.

She brought her hands around his neck and brought his lips to hers. He kissed her softly, and pulled back.

"I think that can start after I leave here tonight."

"Good." He kissed her passionately, and pressed the entire weight of his body into her, trying to be as close to her as he could before he had to give this up, for how long he didn't know.


	8. Chapter 8

**Ok, so the story takes a different turn here. You might be a little confused at first, but that's ok. It will make sense eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later.**

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October 1st, 2005.

Mark looked around the office, trying to size this thing up. It was a small waiting room, magazines on the table and a receptionist named Alli (who he now had a date with on friday) working at the desk. He gave her a sly smile as she looked up, she blushed and quickly looked back down. It had been 2 weeks since Addison had packed up her things and left for seattle, months since Mark had last seen his best… ex-best friend, and one year since the first time he slept with Addison. So here he was, coming to talk to some $400 an hour shrink, because the guilt that he had built up over the past year was slowly eating him alive. The sturdy brown door opened, and a woman walked out. A tall, leggy, very attractive brown haired woman. _'This might not be so bad after all'_ Mark thought to himself.

"Hi Mark, you can come on in."

He stood up and walked over to her. "Don't mind if I do." He flashed the McSteamy smile that had never failed him before and stepped into the room sideways past her, purposefully making brief eye contact. He walked in and looked around. It looked like he had expected it would, a little dark, two comfortable chairs, your typical office plants. A big wooden desk. He took a seat where the woman gestured.

"Well, as you know I am Dr. Tracy Phillips."

Mark smiled and held out his hand. "Dr. Mark Sloan."

She smiled a little and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you Mark. Dr ha? I am gonna say… surgery?"

"Right."

"And looking at you I would guess…. Neuro?"

"Nice try, Plastics."

She smirked and pulled her glasses down over her eyes as she took out a note pad and a pen. "Right, I should have known. So Mark, what brings you here?"

"Well Doc you see, it's just so hard to find a good woman these days…"

"Mark." She leaned forward in her chair towards him, her shirt dipped just low enough to catch his attention, and she took off her glasses. "I am gonna tell you right now, and I am going to make this _very_ clear. I am completely unimpressed by clever answers. In fact, there are very few things I have come across in my 38 years on this planet that I have been impressed by.

"Well." Mark smiled the biggest smile that had come across his face since Addison left, Mark liked a challenge. "This should be fun then."

"So, Mark." She smiled; she could read this guy like a book. Cocky millionaire plastic surgeon, his mother never loved him so he spent his life jumping from one woman to another, never expecting any of them to stick around, so he gets out before he gets attached. But what brought him here? Did get let himself get attached and she dumped him for another guy? Or did he fall for a woman he couldn't have? Married maybe? There was definitely no sign of a wedding ring on this mans finger. "Lets start this again, and why don't you try taking me seriously this time. What brings you here?"

Mark sighed, her voice was tauntingly seductive, but he decided to give in, for now. "I can't sleep."

"You're a surgeon, I am guessing you have pretty irregular hours. How often do you actually get a chance to sleep regularly?"

"Not often, that's why it's weird. I usually just crash whenever I get home, but now I go home and I lie awake for hours. And I am a doctor, so I know its not medical factors. So I came here."

'_Now we're getting somewhere.'_ She thought to herself. She could see the pain in his eyes, it was written all over him, but where did it come from? "OK, well, has anything significant happened in your life lately? Anything particularly traumatic at work? Plastics, I am sure you deal with a lot of trauma victims…"

"You work with rape victims. Serious ones, they call you when they get brought into the hospital."

"Yeah I… How did you know? And what does that have to do with anything."

"My point is, you deal with trauma and you sleep fine. Its part of the job."

She smiled. She may have underestimated Mark Sloan. She hadn't quite decided yet. "Fair enough. Well what else has been happening, any family issues?" She raised her eyes a little, and looked into his. "Woman issues?"

He smiled and leaned back in his chair. "What makes you think it would be woman issues? It could be man issues. I could be gay. You never know this day in age."

"Well first of all I heard you through the wall, hitting on my secretary. Second off all you have looked at my breasts three…" She saw his eyes quickly dart away. "Four times." She grinned. "Dr. Sloan if you are gay, then I forfeit my medical license right here.

He laughed and leaned forward again. "Hey, just sayin."

"Well bravo on the political statement there, but you're avoiding my question. Which, really, is fine with me. If you want to sit here for an hour making jokes, I still get paid either way. So you can do that, or you can try and let me help you. Totally up to you. But like I said, I sleep fine."

"I bet I could help you sleep a lot better."

"Let's let me be the doctor for now, and lets have you answer my question. What brings you here, Dr. Sloan?"

Mark sighed and sat back again. He could tell he wasn't getting anywhere today, so he might as well get what he's paying for. "You want the whole story?"

"Is it a good one?"

"Well it ends with me not being able to sleep, so you tell me."

"Lets start from the beginning." She sat back, pen poised, and her mind trying to wrap itself around this new enigma of a man.

"_Hey where are you going?" Addison shifted when she felt Mark moving around on the other side of the bed. When she opened her eyes she saw that he was sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing just a pair of jeans, and putting on his socks._

"_I have to go to the clinic, we have an early surgery this morning." Over the past month Mark had become accustomed to not saying Derek's name in Addison's presence, it only made her feel guilty and then they ended up fighting. Since that first night they slept together on her birthday, when Derek didn't show up, they had gone about a week just being friends before they ended up back in bed together. Since then she usually spent two or three nights a week with Mark. Derek of course, never even noticed she was gone. _

_He stood up and pulled a t-shirt over his head. "We're still having dinner over at your place tonight with Ron and Nancy?"_

"_Yeah, they're driving home tonight after dinner so they wanted to see us all before they left."_

"_Alright, well, I guess I'll be there then." Mark threw on his jacket and looked back at Addison still sitting in his bed. "It'll be ok Addi. You know Nancy, she'll do all the talking anyway."_

"_Yeah I know. I just…"_

"_I know. Maybe… next time you're here we can talk about…"_

"_I don't know Mark. I mean, I have to tell him of course I have to tell him. I just don't think its time yet. I never see him anyway… I just… Its not the time yet." _

"_Ok." He walked over and kissed her softly on the forehead. "I'll see you tonight." He started to walk away, and got to the door before he hear his name._

"_Mark."_

"_Yeah babe?"_

"_I'll tell him this weekend. He is coming home early on Saturday so we can talk. Assuming he shows up… I'll tell him."_

_Mark looked at her, waiting for the catch, but when none came he smiled and walked over to her. He sat back down on the edge of the bed and took her into his arms. She wrapped her arms around him in response and cried quietly into his shoulder. After she had calmed down a little he pulled back and looked into her eyes. "Thank you Addi. It is time. We all need to move on with our lives. He deserves to move on too Addison. He doesn't deserve this."_

"_Yeah." She wiped her tears away and looked into his kind gaze that was focused only on her. She kissed him lightly on the lips, something that had become somewhat of a habit. "See you tonight."_

"Ok I am gonna stop you there." She pushed her glasses up and leaned back in her chair. She paused for a moment thinking about the story that she had just heard. Man falls in love with his best friends wife… not common, but not the first time she had heard it. They have an affair, sure. She was interested to hear what happens next, but now was not the time, she had gotten him this far for now. "So she was the one who put off telling him?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean I could have told him too, I just didn't think it was up to me. She was the one ending a marriage. So should I keep going or…"

"No, not today. I just want to ask you a few questions now."

He grinned, coming out of his sullen state after telling his story. "You can ask me anything you want."

"Mark I swear to God, I have never found anything charming in my life."

"Its almost difficult to imagine why you have been divorced twice."

Her eyes shot up in defense to meet his. She almost fell into his game before she saw the mischievous smirk on his lips. She relaxed back into her chair and crossed her legs. "Not as difficult as it is to imagine why no woman will ever be good enough for you. Will never meet your standards."

He smiled. "And why is that?"

"You only want what you can't have. Once you have her she's not enough."

Marks face turned cold, and serious. "Addison was enough."

"Well, I guess we'll have to get to that next week." She stood up tucking her pen behind her ear.

Mark didn't know what to do for a minute. "What… next week, but I need more therapy!"

"Oh you're gonna get some more therapy."

"But I need more therapy now!"

She laughed and opened the door, directing him towards it. "Next week."

"So am I gonna sleep better now?"

She laughed and pushed him out the door. "I doubt it. See you next week." She closed the door behind him and heard him yelling through the wood.

"But I haven't told you about my dreams yet!"

She paused for a moment on the other side of the door and shook her head. "Shoot me an e-mail." This was going to be fun.

Mark stood outside the door for a moment not really sure what had just happened. He composed himself and turned around back towards the door out of the waiting room. He winked at Alli on his way out, and made his way back to his empty house.


	9. Chapter 9

The next week Mark walked into the waiting room, only to be disappointed when he saw an older woman sitting at the desk instead of Alli. He smiled politely and sat down in a chair. It wasn't long before the door opened, and Dr. Phillips called him into her office, in a somewhat harsh tone. He walked in to be met by her chilling glare. He sat down in a chair and smiled at her. "What can I do for you today doc?"

"You slept with my secretary?"

Mark grinned and leaned back, planning his next move. "If you are referring to Alli, then yes I went out on a date with your secretary."

"The Marcus Sloan I met last week doesn't 'date'."

"The Marcus Sloan you met last week does many things that you don't know." He grinned. "So shall we get on with the story? I am still not sleeping, and for 400 dollars an hour I at least want to see some improvement by the end of today."

"You think its that easy don't you? Surgeons, just come in, we'll cut you open and fix your problems. The brain is far more complicated than that, any neurosurgeon could tell you that."

"I happen to know a thing or two about neurosurgeons thank you very much."

"Ah that's right, the best friend. The best friend that you were always competing with, but were never quite as good as." That caught his attention. Tracy would usually never be this harsh with her patients. She was usually not this blunt, but she could tell with this guy that if she didn't shove it in his face in a way that caught him off guard he was never going to face it, he would never open up to her if she didn't make him. And this wasn't a guy that was going to back down from a challenge, he would come back full force, which is exactly what she wanted.

"It wasn't that kind of a competition… we weren't… we… he didn't think he was better than I was."

"But you did. He was smart, charming, handsome, polite, every parents dream boy when you were growing up. You were the troublemaker, lashing out against authority trying to get your parents to pay attention to you. Good looking, but in a way that made every girls parents wary of you."

"That doesn't mean… what does this have to do with anything?"

"Well, you're the one who slept with his wife, you tell me."

"_Mark!!"_

"_Nancy!" He hugged the woman who over the years, not counting that one time in college, had practically become like a sister to him._

Dr. Phillips stopped him and raised her eyebrows. "Wait a minute, you're telling me that you slept with a woman who was almost like your sister?"

"Well we weren't actually related. Besides, it was college."

"You are just twisted on so many levels." She shook her head and leaned back again. "Continue."

"_Not that its not nice to see you, you big loser, but where's Derek?"_

"_Oh he should be here any minute, he left right behind me."_

"_I hear he doesn't leave the practice much these days."_

"_Well you know it's been busy."_

_Nancy turned around as her husband walked over. "Mark, you remember Ron."_

"_Yeah of course." Mark reached out to shake his hand. "Good to see you again Ron." Ron had never liked Mark, he couldn't imagine why._

"_So what brings you out here, just couldn't stay away from me?"_

"_Just came out to check on a patient that I had become close with, I decided to make sure my brother was still alive, considering I hadn't seen him in almost a year."_

_Addison walked in the room and handed Nancy a glass of wine. "Well let me tell you I live in the same house and I still don't see him much more than that."_

_Mark looked over at Addison and their eyes connected for a moment before they realized there were other people in the room. "So Ron, how's the Medical Malpractice law business these days?"_

_Ron smiled "As long as you guys keep screwing up I am not complaining… not that I am encouraging you to kill your patients or anything."_

_Mark laughed. "Good to know."_

_Just as they were about to walk to the living room the door opened and Derek walked in. "Hey everyone sorry to keep you waiting." He walked over and kissed Addison, and Mark couldn't help but look away. He knew he had no right, but he just couldn't watch that. He saw Addison look at him, maybe sympathetically, maybe full of guilt, he wasn't really sure which. When she looked up to face everyone else that look was gone. _

"_Well dinner should be ready, so now that Derek is here lets eat!"_

"So how did you feel?"

"About what?"

"About that night, being in that situation. Seeing them together when you had woken up with her that morning."

"You really don't sugar coat things do you?"

"Would you want me to?"

"No."

"Good. Now what's your answer?"

"Can you repeat the question please?" He grinned at her.

She sat back in her chair, legs crossed, and glasses resting atop her head. "You, Mark Sloan, are self destructive, and self loathing to an almost pathological degree. What I am trying to figure out is what's behind it, what deep hidden angst drives you to it. Until then, you're going to be spending a lot of sleepless night."

Mark smiled and leaned forward in his chair thinking about everything that had happened since that dinner. Everything that had changed. Everything he had done. "Babe" He lowered his voice. "You don't even know the half of it."

She had always been good at reading people, it was a natural gift, but as she looked into his eyes all she could see were years of walls built up to block others out. Built up to protect himself from hurt. "We're done here for today. See you next week." She stood up and walked to her desk, making no acknowledgement of him as he got up and walked out the door.


	10. Chapter 10

_As he sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands he kept getting the same imagine running through his head. The image of his best friend, his brother, standing in the doorway. But it wasn't the Derek he knew. The Derek he knew would have been yelling, screaming. The Derek he knew would have thrown him out the third story window. Instead this man just stood there, staring, not saying a word. He didn't shake his head; he barely even acknowledged that he saw what was in front of him. He just stood there stone faced. And then he turned around like he didn't see anything._

_Mark and Addison didn't say much after they heard the front door slam shut. He told her that he would call her later while he got dressed. He asked if she wanted him to wait with her till Derek came back but she refused. She said that she had to do this alone. And Mark understood, he knew Derek would never hurt her or anything, he just wanted to offer emotional support. But there was really nothing he could do. Would Derek even come back? Of course he would. Would he yell then? Would he try and fight for her now that he had a little wake up call? Or would he just back away? Maybe he would show up a Marks door with a shot gun. That, would not be a first for Mark Sloan. The guilt that he had been surpressing for the past few months started to make him physically sick. He ran to the bathroom and lost everything he had eaten that day. As he sat on the floor leaning back against the tub he remembered the first day he met Derek._

_It was his first day in a new school and he was as nervous as any 7 year old would be. It was lunch time and he had no one to sit with. Not to mention he didn't even have a lunch. _

_The alarm clock had woken him up at 8:00 and he had brushed his teeth and put on the clothes the maid had left for him the night before. His mother and father had left for work over an hour ago. Mark had more or less been taking care of himself since his first day of kindergarten. He got downstairs and found some cereal on the table and a small carton of milk in the refrigerator. He ate his breakfast and went outside to wait for the bus. _

_Now he had arrived at lunch time and realized that no one had put any lunch in the backpack that had been left out for him. So he sat alone at the end of a long table where another group of kids sat talking happily at the other end. It was about 5 minutes before one of the boys at the other end got up and walked down to Mark's end of the table. _

"_How come you're not eating any lunch new kid?"_

"_My mom didn't give me any, and I don't have any money either."_

"_Do you like peanut butter and Jelly?"_

_Mark shrugged his little shoulders. "I guess so."_

"_Well come on." The boy started walking back to his friends and Mark watched him for a minute. "Come on, sit down here." He gestured for mark to follow him, so Mark stood up and followed the boy to the other end of the table and sat down in the chair next to him. He opened up his lunch box that was filled with crackers, an apple and some cookies. He took out a sandwich and handed half of it to Mark. "Here take it, everyone has to eat lunch."_

_Mark took it greatfuly, as his stomach had started to rumble. "Thanks!"_

"_You're welcome. My name is Derek." The boy stuck out his hand. _

_Mark took shook his hand while still eating the sandwich with the other. "I am Mark Sloan." _

_From that moment on Mark and Derek had been inseparable. Mark had gone over to Derek's house that afternoon and Derek told his mom about Marks mom not giving him any lunch. Well, Mrs. Shepherd would hear none of that. She might as well have adopted Mark right then and there. She made them grilled cheese sandwiches while they played with Derek's leggos. _

_From then on they had been like brothers. They fought like brothers too, but they had always gotten over it and been best friends again the next day. But now, Mark didn't think Derek could ever forgive him for this. He didn't think he could ever forgive himself for doing this to Derek. It was Addison's doing too, but Mark should have known better. He should have said no. If he really cared about them both as much as he told himself he did, he would have told her that he loved her, but nothing could happen unless she left Derek. Derek probably still would have been furious, but that he might have been able to get over. But this... He would never forgive him for this. _

"So that was the last time I saw him. He left town less than a week later. Set it up with his lawyers to sell his half of the practice to me, packed up his things and left. Addison found out from Richard that he ended up in Seattle."

"They didn't sign divorce papers though?"

"No."

"And that didn't concern you a little?"

"Not at the time no. I figured it was only a matter of time before he had them mailed out. I didn't think he was ever coming back here."

"What was your relationship with Derek's sisters like?"

Mark laughed "You sure do jump around."

"I like to keep you on your toes."

"Well its working."

"Good. So, answer the question."

"Well, the three older ones all loved me. They treated Derek like any sisters treat their little brother, but they always kind of doted on me."

"You could probably get away with anything by smiling at them, right?"

"Hah, pretty much, yeah."

"Some things never change. What about the younger one?"

"She never took any crap from me. If I tried to smile at her she kicked me in the shins… or worse…" He cringed at the memory of the pain those tiny knees could inflict to certain sensitive areas.

"Let me guess, that was Nancy?"

"Yup. With Derek's other sisters I had them wrapped around my finger, but with her it was the other way around."

"Hmm. Well we're almost out of time this week, but I have one last question. If it came down to choosing, who would you choose?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well if you could have Addison back, and be with her again, or you could make up with Derek and have your best friend back, which would you choose?"

"Addison, no question. I would love to have Derek back as my friend, but Addison is everything to me. I knew I was giving him up for her from the very beginning, and as bad as it may sound, I would do it again if I had to."

"Ok, well, we have made some good progress today I think."

"Really?"

"Are you sleeping any better?"

"Not $400 worth of better."

"Hmm well I guess I'll just have to see what we can do about that… Next week."

Mark grinned and raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"Not in a sexual manner Dr. Sloan."

"We could. I say it's worth a try. Call it a medical experiment. I happily volunteer myself."

"I have absolutely no interest in experimenting with you."

"Oh I disagree."

"Really? And why is that?"

"Because your skirts have gotten progressively shorter every week I have been here. Don't think I didn't notice. You have great legs."

She stared him in the eye, never giving up an inch of ground. "Let's let me be the psychologist here, shall we?"

Mark smiled at her again and stood up. "See you next week Doc."


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks to everyone who is still reading and commenting on this!**

**This story has really been a lot of fun to write, cause I really love writing for Mark. Don't worry, its not quite over yet, but it's getting there, probably 2 or maybe 3 more chapters. I have been working on this one part for like a month now on and off, so all reviews are appreciated:) **

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**You'll remember me when the west wind moves**

**Upon the fields of barley**

**You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky**

**As we walk in the fields of gold**

"_Addison!!" Mark practically skipped into the house and closed the door behind him. He hadn't stopped grinning all day, and he was so happy to finally be home. He held a small bag happily in his hand. "Addison? Are you here?? I have something to show you!" He was giddy, actually giddy. There had to be something seriously wrong with him. This was not Mark Sloan. Mark Sloan did not spend an entire day grinning like an idiot unless there was some seriously mind blowing sex involved. Then Addison came walking around the corner, and, if possible, his smile grew even more. "Hey babe." He walked over and kissed her. "How was your day? Are you feeling ok?"_

_He noticed her grimace a little, but choose to ignore it. "Yeah it was ok, I am fine. How are you?"_

"_I am great. Couldn't be better." He grinned and kissed her again, wrapping one arm protectively around her waist and drawing her in closer to him. He placed one hand on her stomach, and missed her flinch that occurred with this motion. "I am so happy Addison."_

_She put on a weak smile and looked up at him. "Did you say you had something to show me?"_

"_Right! Of course." Mark suddenly remembered the bag that he had been so excited about. He grinned and held it up. "I was walking by some touristy shop on my way to lunch today, and they had all this Yankees paraphernalia, and I saw this in the window." He reached into the bag and pulled out a little pin striped Yankees onesie, just big enough for a newborn baby. He smiled as he held it up for her to examine. "I know, I know we don't know if it's a girl or a boy yet, but either way I'll be damned any kid of mine is a Red Sox fan. We have to train them early or it's too late. And look, it even has little pads on the feet. Isn't that something, kid won't even be able to walk when they're small enough to wear it, but it still has pads on the feet." He chuckled with glee at his own joke, and reached back into the bag. "Anyway, while I was in there to get this I picked this up too." He pulled out a Yankees calendar and flipped it open. "Look, that's the due date right there. I circled it right when I bought it. That's the day our lives will change forever Addi. We're gonna be a family." He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her forehead. She leaned into his chest and cried silently, while this happy and now confused man rubbed her back comfortingly. _

**So she took her love**

**For to gaze awhile**

**Upon the fields of barley**

**In his arms she fell as her hair came down**

**Among the fields of gold**

Tracy smiled warmly. Every week she saw a new side of this man that she never saw coming. "You bought a onesie? That is adorable."

Mark smiled sadly and looked out the window, avoiding her eyes. "My dad use to take me to Yankee games when I was a kid. Its really the only happy times I remember with him, He didn't talk a lot at home, unless he was yelling about one thing or another. At the games though, he would sit there and explain everything to me. Explain the plays, the history, tell me about his first game with his dad. He would always buy me a hot dog. On my tenth birthday he took me to a game and let me have a sip of his beer. Hah, I remember I almost spit it back out. That was the same year I found him with his mistress. I was ten years old when I saw my dad with a woman who wasn't my mom. Not that they were ever happy before that even, but it's a lot for a kid to take."

Tracy nodded silently and watched with interest as the witnessed a wave of memory and emotion wash over him.

"I wasn't gonna be like that. I promised myself that I was gonna be better. I would be involved in my kids life. I would show him what a good husband and father is to his family. We were gonna be happy."

She looked up suddenly. "You were going to be?"

"Yeah. I had to be. I had to be better than he was."

"No I mean…. Well… you say that in the past tense…"

Mark looked at her, and nodded sadly. "Yeah…"

**Will you stay with me, will you be my love**

**Among the fields of barley**

**We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky**

**As we lie in the fields of gold**

_It was 10 minutes later and Mark was still rubbing circles on Addison's back and whispering comforting words. She finally looked up at him with tears staining her cheeks. He traced her jaw with this thumb and looked into her eyes, full of concern. "What's wrong Addi? You can tell me anything."_

"_Come here." She took his hand and led him into the living room where she sat down, and he sat down next to her, holding both of her hands in his. "Mark…" She tried to clear her throat and compose herself, and Mark was getting nervous. "I… There is no good way to say this. I have been going over this and over this… and there is no good way."_

"_Just tell me Addi, whatever it is, I am here for you, always."_

"_I can't… we can't keep this baby Mark. I am getting an abortion." His eyes went cold and her hands dropped from his. When he didn't say anything she continued. "I have an appointment… on Saturday." _

_Mark shot up out of his seat and started pacing, fighting back the flood of tears that was threatening to break free. This couldn't be happening. This was a nightmare, just a horrible nightmare. Because in real life him and Addison were happy, they were going to be together forever, together with their child. Mark had already lost his best friend, so something good had to come from this. He had spent the past two days thinking up names. Michael if it was a boy, for Derek's father. He had never met Derek's father, but the family that the man had left behind had been everything to Mark. Lucy if it was a girl, just because he liked it. But this? This was not real. _

_Mark stopped his pacing and took his frustrations out on the wall instead, leaving a significant dent where his fist made contact. The rational Mark Sloan didn't do things like that. He would be thinking about his hands and his career. But this Mark Sloan didn't care. He was in agony like nothing he had ever experienced before. When he finally looked back over at Addison, looked her in the eye for the first time since she flipped his world upside-down, all control was lost._

"_Why the _fuck_ did you even tell me?"_

_He watched as the sobs began to wrack her body. Before he would have been compelled to run to her side and comfort her. Now he just stood there and watched with a look that could have turned boiling water to ice. "Mark I am…"_

"_No. No you don't get to talk about this. You don't get to try and convince me that this is for the best. You don't get to apologize Addison. That is not how this works. You let me walk around for two days, acting like a god damn idiot, going on about how great this all was!" _

"_I love you Mark…"_

"_No. No, not now." Mark sighed and resumed his pacing. "I love you Addison, but right now… right now I can't even look at you. I look at you and I feel sick. I don't know how to do this, I just know I need some time." With that, Mark put his jacket back on, and walked out the door._

**See the west wind move like a lover so**

**Upon the fields of barley**

**Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth**

**Among the fields of gold**

"And so she did. Two days later we went to the clinic. I sat there and held her hand while they did it. I didn't say a word to her the whole time. Then we went home and she slept for the rest of the day. I slept down on the couch. The next day she packed up some of her clothes and went back to the brownstone. She hadn't been back there since Derek left, sometimes I wonder if her being back there, being back in the house they shared is where things stared to go wrong. Or maybe it was going bad long before that, I don't know."

"Anyway, we didn't talk for the next week. Finally a week later she showed up at my door. She came in and we sat on the couch and she just started crying. I just sat there holding her all night. That was the last time we ever talked about it or acknowledged it. She moved back in, but things were never the same after that. She was distant, she missed Derek, I could tell."

Dr. Phillips looked at him and finally began to understand the pain and the walls that surrounded him. This was a man who had lost everything and everyone that gave true meaning to his life. He still had his medicine, and his one-night stands, but he had lost love, his family, his brother. Having spent as much time with him as she had, she knew now what happened next. She knew back when she first started talking to him that he was self destructive, but only now did she realize how it all came together. So she asked the question that would be the last piece to this part of the puzzle. "Who was she?"

"What do you mean?"

"Who was the woman you used to drive Addison away?"

"Why would I want to drive Addison away?"

"You just said yourself that you could tell she missed Derek. That being in that house brought back all the memories of them. So, you being who you are, you don't how to communicate. You feel like you're not enough for her, that you owe him. So instead of having to have that conversation with her you find the worst, most self destructive way possible to push her away, push her back to him." She stared him down wating for him to break. "So who was she?"

**I never made promises lightly**

**And there have been some that I've broken**

**But I swear in the days still left**

**Well walk in the fields of gold**

**Well walk in the fields of gold**

_They had been together now for a month and a half since the abortion. They honeymoon was definitely over. Mark still loved her very much, but couldn't help but feel that she would never have the same love for him that she did for Derek. When they started this thing, she was hurt and desperate. Now she wasn't fighting for Derek's attention, she had Mark's attention, and the more he tried to fight for her the more she pushed him away. They would fight and she would stay at the brownstone for a few days. This was one of those weeks, and Mark found himself at the bar across the street."_

"_Another scotch Bill, thanks." Mark downed half of it and stopped to look around the room. There was a cute blond sitting next to him that he hadn't noticed before. He smiled as he noticed her look over at him. "Do I know you from somewhere?"_

_She smiled and turned to face him. "Yeah, well kind of. You're friends with Dr. Shepherd right?"_

"_Derek?"_

"_Yeah. I have seen you around the hospital, before he left anyway. I am a nurse there."_

"_Right." Mark stuck out his hand. "Mark Sloan."_

_And that was the beginning of the end. Mark went into autopilot. Years of experience with picking girls up in bars clouded his judgment, and his brain shut down as his thrill of the chase took over. He bought her a few drinks, made her laugh, and put on the smile that no one he had yet come across was ever immune to. Before he knew it they were making out in the back of a cab on their way to his downtown apartment._

_They had only made it to the couch by the time most of their clothes had been removed. Because of the mix of lust and adrenalin Mark barely noticed when the front door opened. He noticed just enough to look up quickly and see Addison standing in the doorway. Before he could respond or start spitting out useless explanations she was gone. _

**Many years have passed since those summer days**

**Among the fields of barley**

**See the children run as the sun goes down**

**Among the fields of gold**

"So she left a couple days later. Said she got a call from Richard about a job, but I know it was really for Derek. She called the night she got there just to let me know she was there ok. Said something about Derek and a lusty intern. But, I haven't heard from her in over 2 months now, so I guess they're trying to work things out… I guess he was able to forgive her."

"She moved out there with him?"

"I guess so, the brownstone never went up for sale though. So maybe they will come back some day."

"When she called you from Seattle, what did you say?"

"Not a lot. She was still pretty mad at me. I was still mad at myself. It was brief."

"Did you ever try and convince her to stay, did you ever fight for her?"

"There was nothing left to fight for, she didn't want to be with me, she wanted to be with Derek."

"How do you know that if you never gave her that choice? You lost her the same way Derek did in the first place. You didn't fight for her. There is no closure there. There's no closure with him either."

"Yeah well he definitely doesn't want to hear from me."

"Why do you think you cant sleep?"

"Aren't you suppose to be telling me that?"

"I know. I am asking you."

"I dunno, guilt I guess. I miss my family."

"Unfinished business. You have unfinished business with them. There is no end to this story yet Mark. There is still a lot of story left for you to tell me. It just hasn't happened yet."

"I should go out there."

"You think that will help?"

"At this point it cant hurt, can it? I have to tell them both how I feel." Mark grinned. "Maybe even meet this intern of Derek's. I never expected him to find another woman so quickly out there, must be one special intern."

"Now Mark we've been over this you're a 37 year old man, you don't have to have everything he has."

Mark grinned "Right, sorry Doc."

She smiled and shook her head. "Just try and remember that when you get out there, will you?"

"I'll do my best."

**You'll remember me when the west wind moves**

**Upon the fields of barley**

**You can tell the sun in his jealous sky**

**When we walked in the fields of gold**


End file.
